How to Help your Child Manage Disappointment

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For months we have been pummeled with a steady stream of disappointments, as one thing after another has been cancelled.  With the ongoing coronavirus restrictions, not to mention school in the fall, it is likely to look very different that what we have come to expect.  And it is not only the kids who are struggling.  We are all facing disappointments, and we are all feeling weary of having to tell kids that we don’t know when things will return to “normal”.

In today’s post I will discuss ways that parents can help their children build healthy resilience to setbacks and to learn to tolerate uncertainty.  

Listen and Validate - Our instincts as parents is to jump in and “fix” the problem for our children.  However, there is no way to fix the reality of our current situation.  One of the best things you can do, as a parent, is listen to and acknowledge your child’s frustrations and disappointment.  Be sure to get a good grasp of the specifics of what your child finds most disappointing.   What may be disappointing to you may not be the same for your child.  It is important to really listen and to meet the child where they are at, even if what they are upset about seems silly to you.  Avoid judging their reactions as this will make your child feel more isolated and disconnected from you.  Emphasize that you hear them and express your support for how they are handling this.  Provide reassurance that it is okay to not know what the future holds and that you are proud of them for dealing with the loss of things that were important to them.

Provide Perspective – As adults we have lived through our fair share of disappointments and are able to see the shades of grey in life.   Children tend to see things in black and white.  For example, “this will never end, or I will never see my friends again”. Try not to provide your child with unrealistic ideas about what the future will hold. Instead try something like “ I hear you saying that it feels like for you it’s never going to end, and I agree that it can be really hard not knowing when you will get to see your friends again”.  Remind them that even though we do not know when things will happen our circumstances will eventually change and there are still lots of things to look forward to.  Sharing your own past experiences of change and uncertainty, and how you dealt with those difficulties will help normalize their feelings and help them learn how to regulate their emotions.

Seek Solutions – Help your child find different solutions in compensating for the losses of not being able to participate in activities that they were looking forward to like birthdays, graduation, or playing on their sports team.  For example, host virtual parties or connect your child with their sports team on an online app.  Remind them that they are not alone in their experience of disappointment and encourage your child to talk about what they are going through with their friends or teammates.  Bonding with peers over their shared losses can help kids put things in perspective and possibly strengthen friendships.

Give Them a Sense of Control – We may not have control over this pandemic, but we do have control over what we choose to do with our day.  Work with your child to make a schedule of things that they would enjoy doing during their free time. Having a sense of purpose and knowing that you value their ideas can make disappointing situations easier to manage.  You can also model coping behavior by telling your child what you like to do to feel better when you are feeling disappointed.  Coping may look similar for your kids, or they may choose to use their own.  Try building a coping skill toolkit together (refer to older blog post for further detail).

Create Resiliency - Kids need to learn how to live with disappointment as we all experience it in life.  Remind your kids of times they navigated disappointment before, even thought this situation may be different, they can use some of the same coping skills to get through it.